Ten Thoughts to Ponder for 2006
Number 10 – Life is sexually transmitted.
Number 9 – Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Number 8 – Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.
Number 7 – Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won’t bother you for weeks.
Number 6 – Some people are like a Slinky…not really good for anything, but you still can’t help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.
Number 5 – Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
Number 4 – All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
Number 3 – Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?
Number 2 – In the 60′s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
AND THE NUMBER 1 THOUGHT FOR 2006 -
We know exactly where one cow with mad-cow-disease is located among the millions and millions of cows in America but we haven’t got a clue as to where thousands of illegal immigrants and terrorists are located. Maybe we should put the Department of Agriculture in charge of homeland security
“Life may not be the party we hoped for … but while we’re here we might
as well dance!”
MR. PRESIDENT, I’M HEADED TO MEXICO
Dear President Bush:
I’m about to plan a little trip with my family and extended family,
and I would like to ask you to assist me. I’m going to walk across
the border from the U.S. into Mexico, and I need to make a few
arrangements. I know you can help with this.
I plan to skip all the legal stuff like visas, passports,
immigration quotas and laws. I’m sure they handle those things the
same way you do here. So, would you mind telling your buddy,
President Vicente Fox, that I’m on my way over? Please let him know
that I will be expecting the following:
1. Free medical care for my entire family.
2. English-speaking government bureaucrats for all services I might need,
whether I use them or not.
3. All government forms need to be printed in English.
4. I want my kids to be taught by English-speaking teachers.
5. Schools need to include classes on American culture and history.
6. I want my kids to see the American flag flying on the top of the
flag pole at their school with the Mexican flag flying lower down.
7. Please plan to feed my kids at school for both breakfast and
lunch.
8. I will need a local Mexican driver’s license so I can get easy
access to government services.
9. I do not plan to have any car insurance, and I won’t make any
effort to learn local traffic laws.
10. In case one of the Mexican police officers does not get the
memo from Pres. Fox to leave me alone, please be sure that all
police officers speak English.
11. I plan to fly the U.S. flag from my house top, put flag decals
on my car, and have a gigantic celebration on July 4th. I do not
want any complaints or negative comments from the locals.
12. I would also like to have a nice job without paying any taxes,
and don’t enforce any labor laws or tax laws.
13. Please tell all the people in the country to be extremely nice
and never say a critical word about me, or about the strain I might
place on the economy.
I know this is an easy request because you already do all these
things for all the people who come to the U.S. from Mexico. I am
sure that Pres. Fox won’t mind returning the favor if you ask him
nicely.
However, if he gives you any trouble, just invite him to go quail
hunting with your V.P.
Thank you so much for your kind help.
Sincerely, John Q. Public
When Dan found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. So one evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.
Her natural beauty took his breath away.
“I may look like just an ordinary man,” he said as he walked up to her, “but in just a week or two, my father will die, and I’ll inherit 20 million dollars.”
Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening and, three days later,she became his stepmother.
Women are so much smarter than men.
Anyone applying to law school should check out www.lawschoolnumbers.com
Especially if youre interested in who is getting accepted this round.
I think I forgot to mention this but a few weeks ago I saw Patrick Dempsey on his cell while I was visiting the studio lot for lunch. Yeah Mcdreamy from Grey’s Anatomy. He must have been inbetween takes or on a short break. He was in costume outside one of the sound stages.
To answer your question, No, I didn’t stop and talk to him.
OK, so I am having a problem understanding how over the last 20 years computers became insanely popular…the internet…and all those other awesome technological advancements have come along BUT
TRAVEL HAS REMAINED THE SAME.
Actually I could even argue that its gone back in time since we no long use the concord. Why is it that we have made 0 advancement in consumer travel? Why are we still flying in the same planes at the same speeds to get places?
Doesn’t this make 0 sense to you? I assumed that 20 years would be plenty time to you know…..double our traveling speed….make getting to england from australia a 5 hour thing…or at least some steps in the right direction.
I’m annoyed, I think this is a failure. All aeronautical engineers should be ASHAMED of themselves.
Get working, make us fly faster….now.
Saw
V for Vendetta – A-
Did you know: The cast and crew were only allowed to shoot in the area near the British Parliament and Big Ben from midnight to 4.30 am. Furthermore, they were only allowed to stop traffic for four minutes at a time.
What to write what to write.
Last night my area experienced power surges…which made the neighborhood look like a little toy set that didnt have enough battery power.
and then the power went out.
and yeah, my house got cold.
Really not so pleasant, but on the brightside, my office is warm.
