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Archive for the 'Jokes & Funny' Category

Teenage Hearing Test – Do You Pass it??

This site has a test which plays a tone usually only heard by those under 25 years of age.  Can you hear it?  I did.

Apparently this sound is being used in places where they want to prevent the youth from loitering… how awful.

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Mom song

Just saw this, probably rings true for all of us “children” and moms:

Mom Song

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Quick Lessons We Should Learn – 5 Minute Management Course

Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel.” After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, “Who was that?” “It was Bob the next door neighbor,” she replies. “Great,” the husband says, “did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?”

Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Lesson 2:
A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said, “Father, remember Psalm 129?” The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, “Father, remember Psalm 129?” The priest apologized “Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.” Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, “Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.”

Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great

Lesson 3:
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, “I’ll give each of you just one wish.” “Me first! Me first!” says the admin clerk. “I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.” Puff! She’s gone. “Me next! Me next!” says the sales rep. “I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.” Puff! He’s gone. “OK, you’re up,” the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, “I want those two back in the office after lunch.”

Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 4
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, “Can I also sit like you and do nothing?” The eagle answered: “Sure, why not.” So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson 5
A turkey was chatting with a bull. “I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree,” sighed the turkey, “but I haven’t got the energy.” “Well, why don’t you nibble on some of my droppings?” replied the bull. They’re packed with nutrients.” The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:
BullShit might get you to the top, but it won’t keep you there.

Lesson 6
A little bird was flying south for the Winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
(3) And when you’re in deep shit, it’s best to keep your mouth shut!

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Funny Classifieds

Got these in an email from a friend.

These classifieds actually ran in newspapers – a smile for your day…

8-years old. Hateful little bastard. Bites!

1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor’s dog.

Mother, AKC German Shepherd.
Father, Super Dog…able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

Looks like a rat. Been out a while.
Better be a big reward.

Also 1 gay bull for sale.

$300 Hardly used, call Chubby.

California grown – 89 cents/lb.

Must sell washer and dryer $300.

Worn once by mistake. Call Stephanie.

And the best one?:

Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes. Excellent condition.
$1,000 or best offer. No longer needed,
Got married last month. Wife knows everything.

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My mom lets me.

So I was looking through my old yearbooks and the things people wrote on the “autograph” pages and in 4th grade I find this:

“Dear monica,

I hope i can come to your house over summer vacation. if it is ok with your mom, i can come, because my mom lets me come to your house! if i don’t, have a great summer!

Love michelle”

…and then in 5th grade

“Dear monica,

Hope you have the best summer you have ever had in your whole entire life.  I am going to come to your house, my mom lets me.

yours truely,


I feel bad making fun of a 4th/5th grader, but come-on… this is hilarious (and i think my mom lets me).  I probably wrote equally hilarious nonsensical things, but luckily I don’t have the yearbooks I signed!!  I’m sure this is just a case of not knowing what to write in the yearbook of someone in her class, but lets for a moment analyze this… So in 4th grade, she only cares about coming to my house, but wishes me a great summer if she doesn’t come by (her mom lets her).  In 5th grade, she starts with the buttering up, telling me to have the best summer of my WHOLE ENTIRE LIFE… following it up by letting me know she IS coming over (her mom lets).

Can’t believe coming to my house was so important that it made it into 2 years of yearbook signatures… but I get the feeling she didn’t get to come over because she didn’t even sign my yearbook the following year.  Oh well.  Or maybe her mom didn’t let anymore…

[to be fair, she does sign it again in later years, and they read perfectly normally w/ no mention of my house or her mom]

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What she wants in her next boyfriend

Someone found this list somewhere near UC Davis…

A girl listed out what she wants in her next boyfriend.  It looks pretty complete to me, the only things i’d remove would be “liberal” and “defesive.”  My next boyfriend need not be liberal or defensive… defensive?

Please note how she specified that she wants him to love her, but not be into anyone else!  Check it out below!  Click to bigify.

List of what qualities this girl's next bf should have

List of what qualities this girl

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Optical Illusion – Albert Einstein or Marilyn Monroe

I promise this is not some ploy by me to get you to walk away from your PC and look like a fool.  I got this in an email and thought it must be one of those hoaxes, turns out its legit!

Below is an image that up close looks like Albert Einsein but when you walk away from your screen and look at it from a distance it looks like Marilyn Monroe!

Try it out.  I promise.

Albert Einstein up close and Marilyn Monroe from a distance

Albert Einstein up close and Marilyn Monroe from a distance

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Economy Update

The Treasury Department did a rush job on a new dollar bill design because of the current state of the economy…

New Dollar Design

New Dollar Design

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Expect the Unexpected

That’s what my horoscope for the week told me to do. Problem is, I should have read it earlier in the week. My wednesday was comically unexpected…

First, while waiting for an appointment, a loud 2 yr old walked up to me babbled for a couple seconds and then kicked me in the shins, unexpectedly. Best part was, the kid’s dad didn’t even apologize…

Next, less than an hour later, while at the gas station, someone poured gasoline on my leg and foot. That was totally unexpected, the economy is bad, gas is pricey, and you’re pouring it on me?

Luckily, the kid wasn’t wearing shoes and I was able to wash the gasoline off before someone threw a match at me!

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Two things you need to check out

Both of these were pointed out to me by friends, and now I’m doing the friendly thing to do and sharing them with you.

You NEED to check out both of these websites:

  1. Fail Blog
  2. The 7 Commandments All Video Games Should Obey

If those weren’t enough to start off your morning (failblog has over 117 pages, how are you already done?) postsecret updates on Sundays so you can check that out as well.

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