Archive for the 'Jokes & Funny' Category
Went swimming at the beach. Walked up to the grassy area afterward to sun and relax. Pretty soon after, this little dude came to hang out with me.
Hold on. Angry rant incoming. Is there some ridiculous conspiracy going on to make this city impossible to drive through? I can’t get anywhere without sitting in a ridiculous amount of traffic. During the day, the various rush hours make driving unbearable. Ok, fine, so the goal is to avoid rush hour right? Drive later, after rush hour is over? NO. Because every night they close down all the freeways to 1-2 lanes and bring everything to crushing stand still. Oh, you want to take the 405? Half the lanes are closed and you probably cant find an open on ramp anyway. The 110? No, the section through the tunnels is narrowed to 1 lane so it will take you forever to get through. The 134? Forget it, they narrow it to 2 lanes while they… OK, I’ve never actually even seen anyone working, but they are definitely diligently practicing their cone placement and removal every night. I now hate the color red because it signifies brake lights and the color of the freeway on google traffic maps. Additionally, all this sitting around with my car running on the freeway means I need to get gas all the time since my MPGs are worthless. And every time I fill gas I get angry… Oh it’s $3.839 per gallon. Wait… 9? This has annoyed me since I was a kid. I can’t pay in thousandths of pennies. None of us can… Why are they allowed to post prices in decimal levels that we can’t pay in? Can I bill my clients that way? Are they keeping track of the extra pennies I give them every day because of that fraction that I can’t pay in? Do the extra pennies roll over and am I getting credits? Am I going to get a free stick of gum one day? Please post your prices in amounts that currency exists in. Oh and surprise, they closed my exit to work this morning. Let’s enjoy the convenient detour. End Rant.
(Reproduced from my Facebook page from a few days ago. Easily my longest rant ever.)
I got this Awesomely weird email a couple days ago. Hope you get a laugh from it, I sure did.
Subject: Nice to meet you,
Nice to meet you,
How are you and how is your work? i hope that all is well with you, My name is miss mirabel ,i know that you may be suprise how i get your email, i got your email today when i was browsing looking for honest partner,then i feel to drop this few line to you , and i will like you to contact me through my email so that we can know each other and exchange our pictures, and we maybecome partner.
Remember the distance does not matter what matters is the love we share with each other.
i am waiting to hear from you soon.
kiss regards Miss mirabel
Total. Complete. Weirdness.
A riddle I found in some papers I have..
What runs all day and never walks,
Often murmurs, never talks;
It has a bed and never sleeps;
It has a mouth and never eats.
Answer: A River.
got these in an email… some questions that remain unanswered for us all:
- Can you cry under water?
- How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
- Why do you have to “put your two cents in”… but it’s only a “penny for your thoughts”? Where’s that extra penny going to?
- Once you’re in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
- Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
- What disease did cured ham actually have?
- How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
- Why is it that people say they “slept like a baby” when babies wake up like every two hours?
- If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
- Why are you IN a movie, but you’re ON TV?
- Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
- Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They’re going to see you naked anyway.
- Why is “bra” singular and “panties” plural?
- Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
- If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?
- Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane ?
- If the professor on Gilligan’s Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can’t he fix a hole in a boat?
- Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They’re both dogs!
- If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
- If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
- If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
- Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
- Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
- Why do they call it an asteroid when it’s outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it’s in your butt?
- Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog’s face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
- Do you wonder why you read through this in the first place?
So… I was trying to study Evidence and instead modified “the work song” from Cinderella into what is below. (it’s pretty late, don’t judge me too much)
For context, you should listen to: Cinderella The Work Song
Cinderella’s “The Work Song” (Barbri remix):
Study Barbri, Study Barbri
All I hear is Study Barbri, from the moment I get up
till shades of night are falling
There isn’t any letup, I hear them calling, calling
Go up and do the outline and go down and do the essays, you can do them
How lovely it would be
if I could live in my fantasy
But in the middle of my dreaming
Every time she’d find a minute
That’s the time that they begin it
Study Barbri, Study Barbri
[Stepsisters:] Study Barbri!
Study Barbri, Study Barbri
Night and day it’s Study Barbri
Make the outline, finish the multiple choice
Watch the lectures, do the essays
And the learning and the memorizing
They always keep her hopping
She goes around in circles
Till she’s very, very dizzy
Still they holler
Keep a-busy Study Barbri!
We can do it, we can do it
We can help her Study Barbri
We can make her learn so easy
There’s nothing to it, really
We’ll sing a song about it
Put some black law rules in it
When testing at the hall
She’ll be more prepared than all
with the lovely song we’ll sing to Study Barbri
Hurry, hurry, hurry, hurry
Gonna help her Study Barbri
Got no time to dilly-dally
We gotta get a-goin’
I’ll read from the convisor!
And I can do the MBE!
Leave the outlining to the women
You go get some sleepin’
And we’ll make a lovely song to Study Barbri
[Girl mice and Gus:]
We’ll make a lovely song to Study Barbri
(got this joke in an email recently)
Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack’s minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
“I realize it’s terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I’m recently widowed,” she explained. “I’m afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.” “Don’t worry,” Jack said. “We’ll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we’ll be gone at first light.” The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.
He dropped i n on his friend Bob and asked, “Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?”
“Yes, I do.” said Bob
“Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?”
“Well, um, yes !,” Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, “I have to admit that I did.”
“And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?”
Bob’s face turned beet red and he said, “Yeah, look, I’m sorry, buddy. I’m afraid I did.” “Why do you ask?”
“She just died and left me everything.”
(And you thought the ending would be different, didn’t you?… you know you smiled…now keep that smile for the rest of the day!