got these in an email… some questions that remain unanswered for us all:

• Can you cry under water?
• How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
• Why do you have to “put your two cents in”… but it’s only a “penny for your thoughts”? Where’s that extra penny going to?
• Once you’re in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
• Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
• What disease did cured ham actually have?
• How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
• Why is it that people say they “slept like a baby” when babies wake up like every two hours?
• If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
• Why are you IN a movie, but you’re ON TV?
• Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
• Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They’re going to see you naked anyway.
• Why is “bra” singular and “panties” plural?
• Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
• If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?
• Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane ?
• If the professor on Gilligan’s Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can’t he fix a hole in a boat?
• Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They’re both dogs!
• If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
• If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
• If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
• Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
• Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
• Why do they call it an asteroid when it’s outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it’s in your butt?
• Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog’s face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
• Do you wonder why you read through this in the first place?

So… I was trying to study Evidence and instead modified “the work song” from Cinderella into what is below. (it’s pretty late, don’t judge me too much)
For context, you should listen to: Cinderella The Work Song

Cinderella’s “The Work Song” (Barbri remix):

Study Barbri, Study Barbri
All I hear is Study Barbri, from the moment I get up
till shades of night are falling
There isn’t any letup, I hear them calling, calling
Go up and do the outline and go down and do the essays, you can do them
both together
“Study Barbri.”

How lovely it would be
if I could live in my fantasy
But in the middle of my dreaming
they’re screaming
at me
Study Barbri

[Jack:]
Every time she’d find a minute
That’s the time that they begin it
Study Barbri, Study Barbri
[Stepsisters:] Study Barbri!

[Jack:]
Study Barbri, Study Barbri
Night and day it’s Study Barbri
Make the outline, finish the multiple choice
Watch the lectures, do the essays

[Girl mice:]
And the learning and the memorizing
They always keep her hopping

[Jack:]
She goes around in circles
Till she’s very, very dizzy
Still they holler

[Girl mice:]
Keep a-busy Study Barbri!
We can do it, we can do it
We can help her Study Barbri
We can make her learn so easy
There’s nothing to it, really
We’ll sing a song about it
Put some black law rules in it
When testing at the hall
She’ll be more prepared than all
with the lovely song we’ll sing to Study Barbri

Hurry, hurry, hurry, hurry
Gonna help her Study Barbri
Got no time to dilly-dally
We gotta get a-goin’

[Gus:]
I’ll read from the convisor!

[Jack:]
And I can do the MBE!

[Girl Mouse:]
Leave the outlining to the women
You go get some sleepin’
And we’ll make a lovely song to Study Barbri
[Girl mice and Gus:]
We’ll make a lovely song to Study Barbri

Here is a small collection of funny pictures I found on an old disk:

(got this joke in an email recently)

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack’s minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
“I realize it’s terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I’m recently widowed,” she explained. “I’m afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.”  “Don’t worry,” Jack said. “We’ll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we’ll be gone at first light.” The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.
He dropped i n on his friend Bob and asked, “Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?”
“Yes, I do.” said Bob

“Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?”
“Well, um, yes !,” Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, “I have to admit that I did.”
“And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?”

Bob’s face turned beet red and he said, “Yeah, look, I’m sorry, buddy. I’m afraid I did.” “Why do you ask?”

“She just died and left me everything.”
(And you thought the ending would be different, didn’t you?… you know you smiled…now keep that smile for the rest of the day!

This site has a test which plays a tone usually only heard by those under 25 years of age.  Can you hear it?  I did.

Apparently this sound is being used in places where they want to prevent the youth from loitering… how awful.

• Can you hear it?

Just saw this, probably rings true for all of us “children” and moms:

Mom Song

Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel.” After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, “Who was that?” “It was Bob the next door neighbor,” she replies. “Great,” the husband says, “did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?”

Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Lesson 2:
A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said, “Father, remember Psalm 129?” The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, “Father, remember Psalm 129?” The priest apologized “Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.” Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, “Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.”

Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great
opportunity.

Lesson 3:
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, “I’ll give each of you just one wish.” “Me first! Me first!” says the admin clerk. “I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.” Puff! She’s gone. “Me next! Me next!” says the sales rep. “I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.” Puff! He’s gone. “OK, you’re up,” the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, “I want those two back in the office after lunch.”

Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 4
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, “Can I also sit like you and do nothing?” The eagle answered: “Sure, why not.” So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson 5
A turkey was chatting with a bull. “I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree,” sighed the turkey, “but I haven’t got the energy.” “Well, why don’t you nibble on some of my droppings?” replied the bull. They’re packed with nutrients.” The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:
BullShit might get you to the top, but it won’t keep you there.

Lesson 6
A little bird was flying south for the Winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
(3) And when you’re in deep shit, it’s best to keep your mouth shut!

Got these in an email from a friend.

These classifieds actually ran in newspapers – a smile for your day…

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER .
8-years old. Hateful little bastard. Bites!

FREE PUPPIES:
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor’s dog.

FREE PUPPIES..
Mother, AKC German Shepherd.
Father, Super Dog…able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG.
Looks like a rat. Been out a while.
Better be a big reward.

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.

NORDIC TRACK
$300 Hardly used, call Chubby.

GEORGIA PEACHES
California grown – 89 cents/lb.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer $300.

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .
Worn once by mistake. Call Stephanie.

And the best one?:

FOR SALE BY OWNER:
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes. Excellent condition.
$1,000 or best offer. No longer needed,
Got married last month. Wife knows everything.

So I was looking through my old yearbooks and the things people wrote on the “autograph” pages and in 4th grade I find this:

“Dear monica,

I hope i can come to your house over summer vacation. if it is ok with your mom, i can come, because my mom lets me come to your house! if i don’t, have a great summer!

Love michelle”

…and then in 5th grade

“Dear monica,

Hope you have the best summer you have ever had in your whole entire life.  I am going to come to your house, my mom lets me.

yours truely,

michelle”

I feel bad making fun of a 4th/5th grader, but come-on… this is hilarious (and i think my mom lets me).  I probably wrote equally hilarious nonsensical things, but luckily I don’t have the yearbooks I signed!!  I’m sure this is just a case of not knowing what to write in the yearbook of someone in her class, but lets for a moment analyze this… So in 4th grade, she only cares about coming to my house, but wishes me a great summer if she doesn’t come by (her mom lets her).  In 5th grade, she starts with the buttering up, telling me to have the best summer of my WHOLE ENTIRE LIFE… following it up by letting me know she IS coming over (her mom lets).

Can’t believe coming to my house was so important that it made it into 2 years of yearbook signatures… but I get the feeling she didn’t get to come over because she didn’t even sign my yearbook the following year.  Oh well.  Or maybe her mom didn’t let anymore…

[to be fair, she does sign it again in later years, and they read perfectly normally w/ no mention of my house or her mom]

Someone found this list somewhere near UC Davis…

A girl listed out what she wants in her next boyfriend.  It looks pretty complete to me, the only things i’d remove would be “liberal” and “defesive.”  My next boyfriend need not be liberal or defensive… defensive?

Please note how she specified that she wants him to love her, but not be into anyone else!  Check it out below!  Click to bigify.

List of what qualities this girl